Ask Kate - How to Make New Friends

Dear Kate,

I just got a new job, and I am don't feel like I fit in with my co-workers. Nobody ever talks to me or invites me to go to lunch with them. I'm very shy and it's hard for me to make friends, but I really want to make a new friend at work. It just gets so lonely. Sometimes I even feel like my co-workers are laughing at me and making fun of me. I've always thought of myself as a loner, but maybe other people consider me a nerd. I really don't know. Do you have any suggestions for me?

Thanks,
Stanley Ipkiss

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Dear Stan,

I can understand your frustation. Sometimes making new friends is hard. If you are not making an effort to talk to anyone, they may think you're a snob. You really need to start making conversation and getting to know people. Take an interest in their lives. Ask them questions. Find out what their hobbies are. Ask them about their favorite sexual position. You know, the usual kind of stuff.

If you want to be popular, you have to act cool. You want to greet people with a catchy phrase like, "what up dawg?" Make sure to give them a fist bump or a secret handshake. You can also try staring at them intensely and flashing a sideways peace sign as you walk by.

If you really want to impress your co-workers, do the MC Hammer dance on the way to the coffee pot every morning while loudly singing Oh-Oh Oh Oh-Oh-Oh Stop, Coffee Time! If someone appears to be on an important call, I bet they'd like it if you went into their office and danced by their face while yelling "You can't touch this!" in the direction of their phone.

If you receive a message that says report to HR immediately, that's good news! They've probably heard about your performances and they would like to commend you on your interpersonal skills. You may even be getting a promotion.

Sincerely,
KTG

Ask Kate - Merv the Perv

Dear Kate,

A funny thing happened to me today. Well, let me start at the beginning. Last Friday I walked to a bar by my house. Technically I'm under what they call "house arrest" so I couldn't go too far. I kept buying this chic shots until going home with me started sounding like a good idea, then I walked her back to my house and we got butt-ass naked! I gave her a massage and we cuddled a lot. We got out the slip-n-slide and baby oil. Things were going great, then all of a sudden she started crying about her ex-boyfriend or something, I don't know. I wasn't really listening. So I put on my kimono to walk her home. It turns out she lives 4 houses down. Neighbors!

Today after work I hit up the liquor store so I could go home and get my drank on! I'm perusing the aisles for booze and you'll never guess who I spotted! It was Sally Shit-Faced from the other night! So I sneak up behind her and tap her on the shoulder. She whirled around and looked at me with shock and disgust! She acted like she didn't know me, and kept walking. Now this was weird. I mean, I didn't expect us to run out and get married but I thought she might wanna say hi if she ran into me.

I'm just not sure what I did wrong. Should I have left her alone? We exchanged numbers that night, so I figured she'd want talk to me again. Could it have been that thing I did where I shoved a cucumber up ber butt and slapped her face with my dick? Was that weird?

Sincerely,
Merv the Perv

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Dear Merv,

You are one sick bastard! You shoved a cucumber up her butt and didn't even have the decency to call the next day? That's pretty screwed up. There's a chance she never wants to see you again, but maybe she was just nervous. I think you should come up with a plan. You know where she lives, so it shouldn't be too hard. Send her flowers. Have pizza delivered to her house. Buy her a big fluffly teddy bear and soak it in fake blood. Then take a knife and stab the bear to her front door with a note that says, "This is gonna be you if you don't go out with me."

Good luck! :)

Ask Kate - Psycho Alert

Hi Kate! My name is Steve, but all of my friends call me Ball-Rot. I'm not sure how they came up with that nickname, but it sure sounds clever!

Basically, I'm going thru a mid-life crisis. I'm about to turn 40 and I can't stop dating teenagers. I keep thinking I'm going to find a lady and we're going to settle down. You know, picket fence and the whole 9 yards. Right about the time I start bringing up marriage and starting our family, they give me this darn tootin' bs about just graduating high school and not being ready. What the hell?! Why didn't they tell me that in the beginning? I don't understand! They are screwing me over!!!

You know what I'm gonna do? I'll tell you! I'm gonna become a rocket scientist! Yeah, that'll show those barely legal bitches! And I'm gonna get drunk on the weekend and text all of their friends at 3 am. And then when they get tired of me contacting them for days in a row and tell me to chill out and they delete me from facebook, I'll continute to contact them and tell them to stop contacting me or I'll call the authorities! That'll make me look cool!

Right? Do you have any advice for me? Please!

Yours Truly,
Ball-Rot

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Dear Ball-Rot,

I think your first task is figuring out why you got the nickname you did, and curing the problem. Next, quit being a fucking psycho! Do the world a favor and stop dating. Just stop talking to people in general. And good luck with your new career choice.

Love,
KTG