Ask Kate - Merv the Perv

Dear Kate,

A funny thing happened to me today. Well, let me start at the beginning. Last Friday I walked to a bar by my house. Technically I'm under what they call "house arrest" so I couldn't go too far. I kept buying this chic shots until going home with me started sounding like a good idea, then I walked her back to my house and we got butt-ass naked! I gave her a massage and we cuddled a lot. We got out the slip-n-slide and baby oil. Things were going great, then all of a sudden she started crying about her ex-boyfriend or something, I don't know. I wasn't really listening. So I put on my kimono to walk her home. It turns out she lives 4 houses down. Neighbors!

Today after work I hit up the liquor store so I could go home and get my drank on! I'm perusing the aisles for booze and you'll never guess who I spotted! It was Sally Shit-Faced from the other night! So I sneak up behind her and tap her on the shoulder. She whirled around and looked at me with shock and disgust! She acted like she didn't know me, and kept walking. Now this was weird. I mean, I didn't expect us to run out and get married but I thought she might wanna say hi if she ran into me.

I'm just not sure what I did wrong. Should I have left her alone? We exchanged numbers that night, so I figured she'd want talk to me again. Could it have been that thing I did where I shoved a cucumber up ber butt and slapped her face with my dick? Was that weird?

Sincerely,
Merv the Perv

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Dear Merv,

You are one sick bastard! You shoved a cucumber up her butt and didn't even have the decency to call the next day? That's pretty screwed up. There's a chance she never wants to see you again, but maybe she was just nervous. I think you should come up with a plan. You know where she lives, so it shouldn't be too hard. Send her flowers. Have pizza delivered to her house. Buy her a big fluffly teddy bear and soak it in fake blood. Then take a knife and stab the bear to her front door with a note that says, "This is gonna be you if you don't go out with me."

Good luck! :)