Ask Kate - How to Make New Friends

Dear Kate,

I just got a new job, and I am don't feel like I fit in with my co-workers. Nobody ever talks to me or invites me to go to lunch with them. I'm very shy and it's hard for me to make friends, but I really want to make a new friend at work. It just gets so lonely. Sometimes I even feel like my co-workers are laughing at me and making fun of me. I've always thought of myself as a loner, but maybe other people consider me a nerd. I really don't know. Do you have any suggestions for me?

Thanks,
Stanley Ipkiss

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Dear Stan,

I can understand your frustation. Sometimes making new friends is hard. If you are not making an effort to talk to anyone, they may think you're a snob. You really need to start making conversation and getting to know people. Take an interest in their lives. Ask them questions. Find out what their hobbies are. Ask them about their favorite sexual position. You know, the usual kind of stuff.

If you want to be popular, you have to act cool. You want to greet people with a catchy phrase like, "what up dawg?" Make sure to give them a fist bump or a secret handshake. You can also try staring at them intensely and flashing a sideways peace sign as you walk by.

If you really want to impress your co-workers, do the MC Hammer dance on the way to the coffee pot every morning while loudly singing Oh-Oh Oh Oh-Oh-Oh Stop, Coffee Time! If someone appears to be on an important call, I bet they'd like it if you went into their office and danced by their face while yelling "You can't touch this!" in the direction of their phone.

If you receive a message that says report to HR immediately, that's good news! They've probably heard about your performances and they would like to commend you on your interpersonal skills. You may even be getting a promotion.

Sincerely,
KTG